Get On With It...

Massive fatigue today.

As in the kind where you are very aware of the placement your bones in your body because they are tired, tired, TIRED.  Rather inconvenient when you're catering a party in a private home--carrying china and Depression Glass.

See, sprawling in a heap would just be ...unseemly.  And going fetal in the butler's pantry would more than likely affect business, so just get over it (I tell myself) and put the berries on top of the cream, smile, pour the wine, the water, the Mimosas and get through it.  My friend who owns the company and works with me is a fellow New Yorker as well as a cancer survivor and the shared knowing looks turn us in to war buddies.

Come home and sit down and stare at the wall until consciousness alters, then get off your ass and go outside with Dawg.

I began to notice one of the legion of flower tubers/bulbs I planted sprouting out of the garden ground today and two Bluebirds were taking turns on the new Bluebird feeder in the back garden--hitting the oven-dried meal worms that these stunning creatures devour like honey roasted cashews on an eight hour flight.

Little things do tend to mean a lot more.
Things that in New York, I wouldn't notice or would stare at fleetingly as I rushed to an audition or a job and not think about again.
I've begun to notice that my mind is taking photographs and filing them away.
I stared up at the sky today; May 1, Beltane... and was just happy to be here.  It was a profound and elementally good feeling.  Not bittersweet or sad, but a real locked in feeling of The Present.
I liked it.
I hope they recur.

I think about people who are in far more advanced stages of this than I.  A little girl comes to mind who is dealing with Acute Myeloid Leukemia and has to deal with a second bout of intravenous chemo as well as the pain and the jagged hope of a bone marrow transplant.  This is all she knows.  This battle for normal.
It stuns me into respectful silence and extreme empathy.  From my former perch outside and away, I am suddenly zoom-lensed in to not a only a ringside seat, but a place in the arena.  Surprised... gob-smacked, but ready to fight--clumsily at first, with the weapons I have.  If anything good comes out of this bullshit, it is this; Empathy... Compassion....  Shutting the hell up and paying attention to other people... 

I can't say that these were formerly my strong suits, but hey... if it's an unexpected by-product, Mazel.